


4.17 Absolute Power: The Breadbox Edition

by Nialla



Series: Breadbox Editions [2]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-14
Updated: 2007-01-14
Packaged: 2017-10-22 23:29:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/243756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nialla/pseuds/Nialla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Early season epiosdes are the target of audience feedback.</p>
            </blockquote>





	4.17 Absolute Power: The Breadbox Edition

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to members of my LiveJournal friends list for their feedback and support: justalurkr, cerianite, wraith816, aurora_novarum, kitzen_kat, juliabk, lovellama, eviljr, and ldyanne. Without them, I might never have written this, so blame them. Oh, and a shoutout to [Sinfest](http://www.sinfest.net/), from which I totally ripped the last lines.

AUDIENCE: Everyone got their drinks and popcorn before we begin?

SHIPPERS: We brought candy.

MCKAY FANS: No lemon, right?

BDSMERS: And we brought toys!

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: [screech of chairs moving away]

BDSMERS: Wimps. And here we brought extra lube for you.

PEOPLE WHO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: [sigh] Got the heavy duty Janitor in a Drum ready?

AUDIENCE: Children! We're doing that whole "thrilling days of yesteryear" thing, remember? We all want to watch our team working together again, right?

BDSMERS: And playing together! And with each other and...

AUDIENCE: [facepalm] Let's get this Breadbox on the road, OK?

TEASER

EXT. ABYDOS

MOVIE FANS: Oh, Abydos, how we've missed you.

AUDIENCE: Don't get too comfy.

[SAM, JACK, DANIEL, TEAL'C AND KASUF ARE WALKING IN THE SAND]

MOVIE FANS: Kasuf! [squee]

AUDIENCE: Don't get too... oh, what the hell, who are we to break the news to them? Let them live in fansquee for a while.

MOVIE FANS: If only we could see Skaara as well...

AUDIENCE: Shhh! Nobody say anything.

[KASUF IS TELLING THE TEAM A VOICE SPOKE TO HIM IN THE DESERT, SAYING SHA'RE'S NAME. HE SAYS MANY FEAR IT'S A SIGN THE GODS ARE RETURNING.]

JACK: I thought we'd finally convinced you and your people that the Goa'uld were not gods.

KASUF: I said many, not I. But it is easy to understand. In the days of Ra, when he returned from a journey, a great storm would blow through the desert.

JACK: It's just wind. Wind happens.

FANS OF EARLY SEASON JACK: See?! Amusing, but not Cosmic Giddiness level annoying.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: Unless he's making an excuse for the wind he just broke.

CREW: A-freaking-men. We keep begging them not to include anything bean-related on the craft services table, but do they listen?

[THEY TALK ABOUT HOW THE WIND BLEW OUT OF AN ACTIVE STARGATE AND FORMED A SANDSTORM BEFORE THE VOICE SAID SHA'RE'S NAME.]

AUDIENCE: It blew out of the gate, yet apparently went way out in the middle of nowhere instead of doing the song and dance right at the gate?

WRITERS: But sand is cheaper than a temple set, so just shut up and move on.

[KASUF LEADS THEM TO THE SPOT WHERE HE HEARD THE VOICE, AND SAM SAYS THERE'S A BUILD UP OF STATIC ELECTRICITY.]

CHILD'S VOICE: Daniel. Daniel.

DANIEL: Anybody else just hear that?

SAM: I think so.

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: They hear the same voices!

NOROMOS: They make medication for that now.

KASUF: Look.

[A SANDSTORM BLOWS UP IN FRONT OF THEM IN A COLUMN.]

JACK: Now that's impressive.

F/X DEPARTMENT: We're glad _someone_ noticed.

CHILD'S VOICE: Daniel.

JACK: Daniel? Try to keep it in Kansas, huh.

SLASHERS: Hm? A reference to being a "Friend of Dorothy" perhaps?

HETTERS: Damn, we really need some flying monkeys to destroy our enemies.

FANS OF "WICKED:" Those might be a little overrated...

DANIEL: I was just, uh... (to the tornado) I'm Daniel. Who's calling?

[A BOY APPEARS AS THE SAND STORM VANISHES. HE WALKS TOWARDS DANIEL.]

SHIFU: I am Shifu. I am Harcesis.

AUDIENCE: Kid certainly knows how to make an entrance. Even looking like a travel-sized Tibetan monk.

GOA'ULD FANS: Hello? He's got all the knowledge of the Goa'uld, who are Olympic level drama queens... er... drama snakes. Whatever.

FANS OF OMA DESALA: Ahem. His stepmama _might_ have had something to do with it. Hello, Mother Nature is totally a drama queen.

AUDIENCE: Nah, no glowing tentacles.

FANS OF TENTACLE!SEX: Darn!

AUDIENCE: Um... ew?

OPENING TITLES

EXT. ABYDOS

[DANIEL WALKS OUT OF A TENT TOWARDS SAM, JACK, AND TEAL'C, WHO ARE SITTING AT A TABLE.]

DANIEL: Well, I think that he is the Harcesis.

AUDIENCE: Gesundheit!

SAM: How is that possible?

SNIT: How long have you worked at the SGC? You'd think you'd be over asking such questions by now.

AUDIENCE: When a mommy goa'uld and a daddy goa'uld love each other very much...

DANIEL: I'm not sure. He says he grew like the weeds.

AUDIENCE: Most kids do. Ask their parents who have to buy them clothes and shoes.

TEAL'C: Apophis sired the child to be his next host. It is possible he used Goa'uld technology to manipulate the boy's body to mature quickly.

TEAL'C FANS: He has lines this ep! And it didn't include "indeed"!

FANS OF DAYTIME DRAMA: Wow. There are actually writers who try to justify the sudden, rapid aging of kids?

AUDIENCE: Wouldn't the First Prime of Apophis have some idea why Poffy was willing to go against Goa'uld taboos instead of simply trying to breed a better host the old-fashioned way? And why he was so set on it when it went against Goa'uld taboos? We mean really. Goa'uld. _Taboos_. Does not compute.

WRITERS: We haven't explained it yet, but there is a reason.

AUDIENCE: If it squicks even the Goa'uld, it must be something really nasty. Give us a hint?

WRITERS: No.

AUDIENCE: [whine]

WRITERS: [gritting teeth] It's a plot device, OK? Happy now?

AUDIENCE: Ecstatic to have our suspicions proven, yeah.

[THE TEAM DISCUSSES WHETHER HE KNOWS OF THE KNOWLEDGE PASSED ON TO HIM BY AMAUNET AND APOPHIS. DANIEL TELLS THEM SHIFU SAYS OMA TAUGHT HIM TO FORGET.]

JACK: Oma?

DANIEL: The alien we encountered on Kheb. Mother Nature.

AUDIENCE: Mark her down for future reference.

DANIEL FANS: Then burn the reference.

LIBRARIANS: Burn references? You are evil and must be destroyed.

SAM: Guess that explains the tornado.

AUDIENCE: You do _not_ want to mess with Mother Nature.

OMA FANS: Ah, the days when the Ancients were still all mystical and cool, and not boring accountants who apparently had every experiment they ever did go wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong, then left out for the Goa'uld to exploit or any random scientist to blow up an entire galaxy.

MCKAY FANS: [stiffly] Five. Sixths. And it was just a solar system.

[DANIEL TELLS THEM THAT SHIFU SAYS HE CAME TO ABYDOS TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HIS MOTHER. SAM SUGGESTS HAVING JANET CHECK HIM OUT, TO SEE IF HE'S BEEN ALTERED TO GROW QUICKLY AND IF IT'S STILL HAPPENING. JACK QUESTIONS THE WISDOM OF BRINGING HIM BACK, BUT DANIEL DOESN'T THINK HE'S A DANGER.]

JACK: What about his stepmom? Is she coming along?

DANIEL: He says that ultimately a man travels his chosen path alone.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Unless he's got Jack.

TEAM FANS: Or his team!

JACK: Smart kid. [to Sam] Get a message to Hammond. Let him know who we're bringing.

INT. GATE ROOM

[JACK, TEAL'C, SAM, DANIEL AND SHIFU WALK DOWN THE RAMP. HAMMOND IS WAITING TO GREET THEM.]

DANIEL: Shifu. This is General Hammond. He's the leader of this facility.

AUDIENCE: Think of him as sort of your grandfather, 'K?

HAMMOND/KASUF SLASHERS: Ewww, that makes things icky!

AUDIENCE: Pot. Kettle. Black.

GEEZER SLASHERS: Bugger off. It floats _our_ boat.

HAMMOND: Welcome to Earth.

TEAL'C FANS: That's sort of his "indeed," isn't it? We feel your pain, George.

SHIFU: A spark lights a flame but the candle will only burn as long as the wick.

JACK: If I may, sir. I think what he means is the wick is the center of the candle and ostensibly a great leader like yourself is essential to the whole ball of wax. Basically what it means is, that's it's always better to have a big long wick. Right?

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: He was always there, lurking, wasn't he?

DANIEL: Don't look at me.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Oh, please do.

JACK: It's right though. Right?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Y'all can explore how long each other's wicks are when you get home. We'll meet you there.

INT. INFIRMARY

[JANET TAKES SOME OF SHIFU'S BLOOD TO TEST IT.]

AUDIENCE: It didn't glow. That has to be a good sign, doesn't it?

PARENTS OF CHILDREN EVERYWHERE: He didn't scream like a banshee. Clearly unnatural.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[DANIEL, JANET, JACK AND TEAL'C ARE SEATED AROUND THE TABLE. HAMMOND JOINS THEM. JANET SAYS THERE'S TRACES OF NANOCYTE TECHNOLOGY THAT ONCE PREMATURELY AGED JACK, BUT THEY'RE NOW INACTIVE, SO IT'S POSSIBLE HE'S REACHED HIS PREPROGRAMMED AGE, WHILE DANIEL ADDS THAT OMA MAY HAVE FOUND A WAY TO STOP IT. IN EITHER CASE, HE DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE IN IMMEDIATE PHYSICAL DANGER.]

HAMMOND: What about the information this boy apparently knows? What exactly can he tell us?

TEAL'C: He is born with the genetic memory of all Goa'uld who came before him.

JACK: So the kid should know everything Apophis knew when he...

DANIEL: Fathered the boy.

JACK: That.

AUDIENCE: Ooooo, awk-ward!

FANS OF GOA'ULD QUEENS: And Amaunet? She's chopped liver?

HAMMOND: That must be an awfully big burden for a young child to carry.

TEAL'C: That is why all Goa'uld are born evil.

GOA'ULD FANS: And snappy dressers. Millennia of fashion sense, delivered straight to their brains!

DANIEL: It also explains why a benevolent being like Oma Desala would help the boy to bury those memories in his subconscious so he could lead a normal life.

DANIEL FANS: BENEVOLENT? [sputter]

CHAYA: From a certain point of view, sure.

DANIEL FANS: Well, she did have him deAscended naked. We really liked that point of view, but still wish we'd had close-ups.

[SAM ENTERS.]

SAM: Sir, we've received word from the Tok'ra.

AUDIENCE: Just a word?

JACK: Oh, did we really have to call them?

TOK'RA FANS: Now Jack, play nice. Or we'll send Tok'ra Barbie for a visit.

HAMMOND: We have a treaty with them Colonel, specifically mentioned is the full exchange of all sources of potential information pertaining to the Goa'uld.

AUDIENCE: Funny how "full exchange" in English translates to "one-way street" in Tok'ra.

SAM: They say they can use the memory recall device to extract information from Shifu without harming him physically.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, because the grownups of SG-1 so clearly enjoyed the events of "Out of Mind."

JANET: What about mentally?

DANIEL: Ahh, what about emotionally? I mean think about what we'd be exposing him to. We'd be flooding his mind with the thoughts of a thousand Hitlers. One of whom happened put a snake in the head of his mother. Look, I realize we're talking about protecting Earth and potentially eliminating the Goa'uld entirely but...

AUDIENCE: There's a "but" after "protecting the Earth?" Jack has some more convincing to do.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: We can hardly wait!

BDSMERS: We'll be happy to provide the necessary gear.

HAMMOND: It seems to me the boy is fairly wise, well beyond his years in fact. Isn't it possible he might comprehend the situation if you explained it to him?

PARENTS: You have grandchildren, so we know you're a father, yet you're talking about reasoning with a young child about something he doesn't want to share? Be honest. Your wife raised the kids, right?

DANIEL: Well I guess so but I doubt he'd be willing to remember. And even if he is how can we ask him to?

SAM: Well if he forgot once, maybe he could forget again?

AUDIENCE: Got Oma on speed dial now? Or maybe you plan to call on Daddy and his Tok'ra friends to do it for you?

INT. VIP ROOM

[DANIEL IS TELLING SHIFU ABOUT SHA'RE SPEAKING TO HIM THROUGH THE GOA'ULD HAND DEVICE.]

DANIEL: In those moments as Amaunet tried to kill me it felt like I lived a lifetime.

SHIFU: Like a dream.

TNG FANS: Or like, we don't know, The Inner Light! Jean-Luc is _hot_.

AUDIENCE: Is the class paying attention? The clue bus is now boarding.

DANIEL: In this one I got the chance to say goodbye and your mother told me how important you were.

DANIEL/SHA'RE SHIPPERS: [sigh] It was a beautiful thing, in its way. [sniff]

AUDIENCE: It was _torture_.

WHUMPED!DANIEL FANS: Of DANIEL!

BDSMERS: Yeah... he suffers so beautifully. [sigh]

SHIFU: Oma teaches the true nature of a man is decided in the battle between his conscious mind and the desires of the subconscious. Oma teaches the evil in my subconscious is too strong to resist and the only way to win is to deny it battle.

NOT!OMA FANS: Pity she didn't mention that to Nuby.

GOA'ULD FANS: She probably tried; Anubis just ignored her.

DANIEL FANS: Like Danny should have.

DANIEL: Yeah, see the thing is we can't deny the battle against the Goa'uld forever. The information contained within your buried memories could really help us.

AUDIENCE: And if you don't volunteer that information, our benevolent allies, the Tok'ra, are prepared to strip it out of you, even if it means burning out your brain.

SHIFU: You have chosen a path that leads to me because of this?

AUDIENCE: Uh, _who_ appeared in the swirling pillar of sand?

DANIEL: Yes.

SHIFU: You must release your burden before you will find your own way again.

BOONIE FANS: Lose the bandana!

BANDANA FANS: Lose the boonie!

HAIR FANS: Lose them both and show your crowning glory proudly!

DANIEL/ROCK SHIPPERS: We came prepared, you know.

BOONIE, BANDANA AND HAIR FANS: Shutting up, now.

DANIEL: Yeah, someone else once said that to me. Thing is, this is my way. I chose this path to honor Sha're's strength and ultimately it isn't just about me. Or you for that matter.

SHIFU: I understand.

AUDIENCE: [double-take] Was that a simple, declarative sentence?

WRITERS: He _does_ know them.

AUDIENCE: We didn't know _you_ did.

WRITERS: Just for that, one day we'll create a character named Vala and let her take over the show.

DOUGLAS ADAMS FANS: There's a school of thought stating this has already happened.

DANIEL: The Tok'ra have a way to help you remember only certain things. How Goa'uld technology works, their weaknesses. And then afterwards maybe Oma can help you forget again.

AUDIENCE: And by "help," he means possibly burning out your brain.

SHIFU: If the instrument is broken, the music will be sour.

AUDIENCE: Kid's not all dumb.

DANIEL: The music does not play the musician.

SHIFU: Normally there is truth in that.

DANIEL: Really? Good. Cause I really didn't have any idea what I was talking about. All I know is this is very important or I wouldn't ask.

DANIEL FANS: He's a linguist, not a philosopher.

MCCOY FANS: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

[SHIFU RAISES HIS PALM OUT TO DANIEL. HE REACHES OUT TO TOUCH HIS FINGERTIPS TO DANIEL'S FOREHEAD. A LIGHT SHINES FROM HIS FINGERS. DANIEL FALLS TO THE FLOOR, UNCONSCIOUS.]

INT. INFIRMARY

[JANET CALLS JACK TO TELL HIM DANIEL'S AWAKE.]

JANET/DANIEL FANS: And has been for an hour, they were just... busy.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Nah, she just had to call and remind Jack of the "no nookie in the infirmary" rule.

[DANIEL ASKS WHAT HAPPENED, JANET TELLS HIM HE WAS TALKING TO THE BOY AND COLLAPSED. JACK ENTERS, ASKING HOW DANIEL'S FEELING AND WHAT HAPPENED WITH SHIFU.]

DANIEL: I asked him for something. Anything that could help us fight the Goa'uld.

AUDIENCE: Jack's rubbing off on him!

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Well, of COURSE.

JACK: Yeah?

DANIEL: And I think he gave it to me.

INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE

[DANIEL'S DRAWING ON A BLACKBOARD, TRYING TO EXPLAIN THE DEVICE HE'S DRAWING, WHICH IS ALL IN HIS HEAD IN GOA'ULD.]

SAM: I don't even know what to ask first.

SNIT: Ah, those were the days.

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

[SAM AND DANIEL ARE SHOWING HAMMOND DANIEL'S WORK.]

SAM: I guess you could call it a satellite, sir. According to Daniel, it would be capable of detecting approaching Goa'uld ships thousands of light-years away. Its weapons systems could penetrate Goa'uld shield technology and destroy mother ships. Basically, sir, it's the basis of the perfect anti-Goa'uld defense system.

SNIT: And she's in charge of explaining… why? Whose idea was this again? Who was having to explain it to Miss National Treasure?

SAM FANS: The linguist who was having trouble translating the Goa'uld inside his head? Maybe because all the technobabble is outside his normal bailiwick?

DANIEL FANS: Technobabble just isn't "sexy" from a guy, is it?

MCKAY FANS: Speak for yourself.

DANIEL: Of course, we'd need to build an entire network of them and launch them into orbit.

HAMMOND: Can we do that?

SAM: Well, sir, this is an entirely new kind of technology. We'd need to bring in outside help. A lot of it. Engineers, physicists...

SNIT: Sam Carter admitting she needs help? [gasp]

SAM FANS: Hey, it happens sometimes!

SNIT: Don't get us wrong, we like it!

DANIEL: But ultimately it means we don't have to involve the Tok'ra.

HAMMOND: Why not?

ELIZABETH WEIR FANS: See, this is why they picked Elizabeth to succeed him. They're the only ones who ever remember minor details like treaties and alliances.

DANIEL: At the moment, the Goa'uld don't care what we're up to. We're no immediate threat. But if it gets out that we've advanced to this level of technology, we wouldn't be able to build this defense system fast enough.

HAMMOND: You think the Tok'ra would betray us?

JACOB/SELMAK FANS: Jacob would NEVER betray you, George!

DANIEL: Maybe not intentionally, but they've had problems with Goa'uld spies before. I don't think it's worth the risk, not when we can do this without them.

AUDIENCE: And the SGC has had problems with Goa'uld _mind control_. No one's thought of that? Especially since the device they were going to use on Shifu was designed to find people who had been brainwashed.

WRITERS: Well, no one thought about it until you mentioned it, so would you shut the hell up now?

HAMMOND: I'll take that into consideration. What about the boy?

DANIEL: Well, he doesn't have to remember anything now. He's given me all the knowledge we need.

HAMMOND: How he did that is what concerns me.

AUDIENCE: Interesting that no one else is curious.

WRITERS: SHHHHH! Don't give it away!

AUDIENCE: [sigh]

DANIEL: He's no danger, sir.

AUDIENCE: Give or take a sandstorm or so.

HAMMOND: Still, as long as he's here he should be kept under close guard. I'll talk to the Pentagon about bringing in some more personnel to help you out.

FANS OF RODNEY MCKAY: We have JUST the genius for you... oh, wait. He wouldn't have bought Daniel's bullshit for five consecutive seconds. Never mind.

INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE

[DANIEL IS WORKING IN FRONT OF THE BLACKBOARD. TEAL'C ENTERS.]

TEAL'C: I was unable to complete my kel'no'reem. What is of such importance that I should be summoned here immediately?

TEAL'C/DANIEL SLASHERS: We have a list. And for starters, you have too many clothes on for a man in the throes of ... kel'no'reem.

[FLASH TO TEAL'C IN JAFFA UNIFORM BOWING IN FRONT OF DANIEL.]

BDSMERS: Um. Well. That's a rather tasty bit of imagery.

DANIEL: Umm, what's this mean?

SAM FANS: [speaking to SNIT] The linguists asks for help, and you say noting?

SNIT: The linguist's psychological welfare isn't _our_ problem. Start DNIT if you want to go there.

TEAL'C: I believe the closest translation would be subatomic energy particles.

DANIEL: That's what I thought. Thank you. That's it. You can go back to whatever you were doing.

TEAL'C/DANIEL SLASHERS: Which apparently wasn't Daniel. [pout]

TEAL'C/JACK SLASHERS: Yayz!

TEAL'C/SAM SHIPPERS: Woo hoo!

TEAL'C/JANET SHIPPERS: We have access to needles and aren't afraid to use them.

NOROMOS: We're in the market for some rocks. Large ones, in mass quantities.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[DANIEL IS GIVING A PRESENTATION. HAMMOND, SAM, DAVIS AND TWO OFFICIALS ARE SEATED AROUND THE TABLE.]

DANIEL: Bottom line is, it's going to require the entire resources of the entire SGC to focus on the retrieval of raw naquadah for the time being.

SAM: Well, if we ask the Tok'ra for help...

SNIT: Is she the slow one in class now? Didn't Daniel say to leave them out?

JACOB/SELMAK FANS: No, she just knows who their allies are!

DANIEL: Major Davis, you've prepared a budget and timetable based on the data?

HALLIBURTON CONTRACTORS: What's a budget?

WRITERS: Apparently it's mythical, like Atlantis, but maybe you can find it in another galaxy.

DAVIS: The Pentagon had budgeted the construction and launch of the satellite network at $80 billion, estimated time of completion to be two years after the start date.

DANIEL: That's unacceptable.

U.S. TAXPAYERS: Damn right! It's not even acceptable for science fiction.

[DAVIS SUGGEST INVOLVING THE RUSSIANS, BUT DANIEL SAYS NO. DAVIS REMINDS HIM THE RUSSIANS STOPPED USING THEIR GATE ON THE CONDITION ALL INFO GATHERED BY THE SGC MUST BE SHARED.]

AUDIENCE: We dimly remember who negotiated that... it's coming back to us...

DANIEL: It's okay. I have a way of rendering their Gate inactive.

AUDIENCE: And here Colonel Chekov found you so _charming_.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Chekov is a dead man.

SAM: You do?

SNIT: Sam's jealoussssssssss. But seriously... how long have you worked here?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: She has reason to be jealous. [smug]

[DANIEL SAYS THE PROJECT IS TOO IMPORTANT TO RISK THE RUSSIANS TRADING THE SECRETS THEY LEARN AND SCREWING IT UP WITH PETTY EARTH POLITICS.]

DAVIS: I imagine that several of the so-called petty nations of this planet are going to be very curious when we start launching satellite weapons into orbit two years from now.

DANIEL: One year from now.

DAVIS: That's impossible. It would double the cost.

SAM FANS: [sputter] See! He does it!

SNIT: Davis doesn't work at the SGC. He just reads the reports.

SMUTTERS: The highly abridged versions, at that.

SLASHERS: We hear there's a black market for the unabridged versions of "aliens made us do it" reports.

DANIEL: Then it's not impossible, is it? Obviously most of the workload will have to be contracted out to the private sector so they'll have to be a strategic division of labor in order to maintain the security of the project. Major Davis, if you could also see to this.

DANIEL FANS: Logic is soooo sexy.

DAVIS: What is this?

DANIEL: Just a few personal requirements. I'm sure the Pentagon will be happy to provide me with given the nature of my continued contributions. Please see that it gets approved as soon as possible. Gentlemen.

[DANIEL LEAVES.]

DAVIS: Personal requirements?

AUDIENCE: If it involves gold lamé, run like the wind!

PAUL/DANIEL SLASHERS: Nah, it's about being Paul becoming his personal love slave. Fair compensation for all the work he's doing.

BDSMERS: Oh, man, that's gonna be a Vegas class playroom.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Nah, it's just Jack's Playstation requirements.

INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE

[JACK ENTERS. DANIEL IS WEARING A GOA'ULD RIBBON DEVICE. DANIEL TELLS HIM HE KNOWS HOW IT WORKS, BUT YOU NEED NAQUADAH IN YOUR BLOOD OR IT WON'T WORK.]

JACK: Have you considered that maybe that's a good thing?

BDSMERS: [making a note] ...doesn't like bloodplay... how vanilla!

DANIEL: Something on your mind?

JACK: Your behavior, as a matter of fact.

BDSMERS: Naughty boy! You're getting a spanking! We hope!

DANIEL: What about it?

JACK: Well, for starters, who gave you the authority to give orders around here?

AUDIENCE: It's a chain of command thing, Jack.

FIREFLY FANS: The one Daniel's going to beat him with until...?

BDSMERS: [THUD]

AUDIENCE: Clean up on aisle five!

GUYS WHO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: We really need a raise. Or a new job.

DANIEL: Actually, the Pentagon. Look, maybe I haven't exactly been patient lately, but I'm just doing what has to be done. I have the knowledge; I have to make sure it gets used properly. Now I can elevate us to the point of wiping out the Goa'uld or I can watch it all go to waste.

AUDIENCE: Earth to Jack. Is this the Daniel you know?

JACK/DANIEL FANS: And love?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: And make sweaty every night?

[DANIEL SAYS HE RECOMMENDED JACK TO OVERSEE THE NAQUADAH RETRIEVAL, BUT JACK'S NOT PLEASED BECAUSE IT'S EITHER ACCEPT THE JOB OR RETIRE.]

DANIEL: Why aren't you behind me on all this? I mean, I'm finally taking your position. Let's build weapons. Let's kick some Goa'uld ass. Because it's me saying it, I'm suddenly a bad guy?

SLASHERS: He said behind me... and your position... and ass... [brains short out]

JACK: Where's Teal'c?

TEAL'C FANS: Yeah! We were just thinking the same thing. Though many of our thoughts were from the naughty end of the pool.

[FLASH TO DANIEL USING THE RIBBON DEVICE TO BLAST JACK ACROSS THE ROOM INTO THE WALL.]

DANIEL: He's on a mission.

BLUES BROTHERS FANS: From God?

JACK: What mission?

DANIEL: The one I sent him on.

TEAL'C/DANIEL SLASHERS: Lube run!

JACK: When's he going to be back?

DANIEL: When he's done. Jack, I've got a lot of work to do and so do you. So, please help me, or leave.

TEAL'C FANS: We've got a really bad feeling about this.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Jack can give a helping hand. We hear that can clear the mind and relax the body. [giggle]

INT. GOA'ULD PALACE

[TWO JAFFA DRAG IN APOPHIS, WHO IS BEGGING FOR MERCY. A RIBBON DEVICE IS ACTIVATED ABOVE HIS HEAD, AND IT IS REVEALED THAT DANIEL IS USING IT.]

BDSMERS: We have GOT to get us some of those...

[IT APPEARS TO BE ANOTHER FLASH OF IMAGES, AS DANIEL WAKES UP IN...]

INT. DANIEL'S BEDROOM IN A MANSION, ONE YEAR LATER

[DANIEL RISES FROM BED.]

DANIEL FANS: Blue jammies. Yum. [thud]

JACK/DANIEL FANS: And where's Jack?

TEAL'C/DANIEL FANS: And where's Teal'c?

SAM/DANIEL FANS: And where's Sam?

JANET/DANIEL FANS: And where's Janet?

PAUL/DANIEL SLASHERS: Y'all are all wrong! Personal. Requirements. Just sayin'.

NOROMOS: Think we can borrow some Vicodin from the House fandom?

HOUSE FANS: No. There have been... circumstances... of late that require careful...

NOROMOS: You're hoarding the good stuff, aren't you?

[DANIEL LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SEES SAM IN A CAR BELOW. SHE IS BEING ALLOWED THROUGH THE GATES BY SECURITY GUARDS]

INT. MANSION CORRIDOR

ASSISTANT: Good morning, Dr. Jackson. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs is already waiting for your 0900 briefing. You also have a message from Carl Smith at NASA regarding the AG's dispersement mechanism.

DANIEL FANS: Can we have her job? We could do it better, and include almost continual full-body massages at no extra charge.

[THE ASSISTANT TELLS HIM SAM IS HERE TO SEE HIM. HE SAYS FOR HER TO BE SENT AWAY AND TO FIND OUT WHY SHE STILL HAS A VALID SECURITY PASS.]

INT. MANSION DINING ROOM

[A MAID ASKS HIM WHAT DANIEL WANTS TO EAT. HE SAYS HE'S NOT HUNGRY, AS SHIFU WATCHES ON, EATING FROOT LOOPS.]

JACK FANS: He found Jack's stash!

SHIFU: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

DANIEL: Oma teach you that?

SHIFU: Television.

DANIEL: Glad I've been such a positive influence.

DANIEL FANS: You can influence us anytime, Daniel!

[SAM PUSHES HER WAY IN, FOLLOWED BY SECURITY.]

SAM: You can't seriously think you're going to get away with this?

SNIT: The _Pentagon_ is fulfilling his _personal needs_. He already _has_ gotten away with it.

DANIEL: What are you talking about, Sam?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Besides the whole making gay marriage legal so he can marry Jack thing. You snooze, you lose, chica.

SAM: What you're doing, what you've got planned. That's why you had me removed from the project. You knew I'd figure it out eventually.

MCKAY FANS: Eventually? [snort] Try more coffee, blondie. It helps with picking up the pace.

BSDMERS: She can't possibly know about the special playroom!

DANIEL: I relieved you of your responsibilities because you were starting to crack under the pressure. You seem to have lost all perspective. Quite frankly, I think your jealousy finally got the best of you.

SNIT: Ha! Called you on it!

SAM: Jealousy? I'll tell you why it's hard to maintain perspective, Daniel. Strategic division of labor. All in an effort to stop anyone from seeing the big picture.

[FLASH OF SAM BEING TORTURED WITH A GOA'ULD PAIN STICK.]

BDSMERS: No, seriously. There has GOT to be a black market in those!

DANIEL: What exactly do you think you've figured out, Sam?

SAM: You know damn well what I'm talking about.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Geeze, it took her long enough to put two and two together.

[SAM LOOKS AT SHIFU.]

SAM: What have you done to him?

AUDIENCE: Ewwwww!

DANIEL: You leave him out of this.

AUDIENCE: Yes, please. And pass the bleach while you're at it.

SAM: Can't you see what you've become?

DANIEL FANS: Kinda hot, actually. Turn around a little there, Danny.

DANIEL: I didn't change, Sam. You did.

SAM: You can't stop me from telling people what's really going on. They'll listen. You'll never get away with this.

AUDIENCE: [eyeroll] Are they going to tie her to the train tracks next?

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Then Jack could ride to her rescue!

NOROMOS: Or not.

[SAM IS DRAGGED OUT BY SECURITY.]

ASSISTANT: Is she insane?

[DANIEL NODS.]

SNIT: [cackle]

AUDIENCE: Is Evil!Daniel contagious?

FANS OF EVIL!DANIEL: We certainly hope so!

INT. JAIL CELLS

[JACK IS SHOWN IN BY A GUARD. HE APPROACHES A CELL WITH SAM INSIDE. HE ASKS HER WHAT SHE'S DOING.]

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Trying for some prison sex?

OZ FANS: We think we need to educate you about how prison sex usually works.

SNIT: Orange just _so_ isn't her color, is it? But for some reason, we like it.

SAM: I'm trying to do what's right. I have talked to everyone I know. No one's answering my calls, responding to my emails, even my letters.

JACK: Because they think you're nuts.

SAM: What do you think?

SNIT: If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

JACK: We're talking about Daniel here. Sometimes he can be a little odd. Every once in a while he gets carried away, but he's not going to do anything to jeopardize the entire planet.

SAM: I'm not so sure, sir.

JACK: There are a lot of very smart people who believe in this.

SNIT: Smarter than you!

SAM: He's got them brainwashed.

JACK: Carter!

SNIT: Such jealousy is unbecoming, but amuses us greatly.

SAM: What about Teal'c? You don't still blame Daniel for that?

TEAL'C FANS: Huh? Wha? What did he do to Teal'c? Did we miss a scene or something?

WRITERS: Or something. We're being mysterious.

TEAL'C FANS: No, you're being bastards about taking Teal'c scenes away from us.

JACK: I couldn't prove anything. Can you?

SAM: No. I just have my opinion. But that used to be worth something to you.

SNIT: Oh, burn.

[JACK REMINDS HER SHE HELPED CREATE THE WEAPONS AND COULDN'T STOP IT, SO WHAT DOES SHE EXPECT HIM TO DO?]

SAM: Talk to him.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Ah, even she realizes the relationship with the real power.

INT. A CONTROL ROOM

[DANIEL IS WATCHING THEIR CONVERSATION ON A HUGE MONITOR.]

KINKSTERS: Voyeurism: a perfectly valid lifestyle choice.

SAM: Sir, you have to try. Somebody has to stop him before it's too late.

INT. MANSION LOUNGE

[JACK IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A FIREPLACE. HE'S PLAYING WITH SOME FLOWERS WHEN ONE FALLS TO THE FLOOR. DANIEL ENTERS, SHOWING THE BEST POSSIBLE ANGLE ON THE JOYS OF EVIL!DANIEL. JACK PICKS UP THE FLOWER AND QUICKLY PUTS IT BACK INTO THE ARRANGEMENT, DOING PRETTY WELL IN THE ANGLE GAME HIMSELF. THEY MAKE SMALL TALK FOR A BIT.]

DANIEL: Can't be a coincidence you showed up here the day of the launch.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: No coincidence. It's date night.

JACK: Is that today?

DANIEL: Yeah, that's supposed to be top secret.

JACK: Who knew?

JACK FANS: See? Playing dumb has its uses.

DANIEL: You want to stay and watch?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Our minds are already in the gutter, but that line is sending us to the sub-gutter.

JACK: You got a big screen?

DANIEL: Come here.

JACK: Why?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Because he wants to have hot monkey sex with you!

DANIEL: You'll see.

JACK: What?

[A RING TRANSPORTER COMES UP FROM THE FLOOR AND JACK AND DANIEL ARE TRANSPORTED INTO A CONTROL ROOM/BUNKER.]

DANIEL: Elevators are such a pain in the ass.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: ASS! He said ass!

[TECHNICIANS ARE PREPARING FOR THE LAUNCH.]

DANIEL: What do you think?

JACK: It's cool. Kind of like Vegas.

ATLANTIS GATE: Then you'd really like me!

SGC GATE: I hope your faux chevrons rot off.

DANIEL: Actually, we've got three-to-one odds in favor of the launch going off without a hitch.

JACK: Hey, I'll take some of that action.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: That's not the only action you're going to see!

WRITERS: They never stop, do they?

NOROMOS: You have _no_ idea.

BDSMERS: We don't blame them. _We've_ seen the Vegas-style playroom.

WRITERS: Oh, you have _not_!

BDSMERS: We have in our dreams. [sigh]

DANIEL: Put Colonel O'Neill down for a hundred.

JACK: Dollars, right?

DANIEL: I'm glad you're here, Jack. After what happened to Teal'c I thought I'd never see you again.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Awwww, he missed his Jack.

TEAL'C FANS: But what happened to Teal'c?

JACK: Ahh, ancient history. Besides, I didn't want to miss watching you save the world.

AUDIENCE: Because no one on SG-1 has ever done that before.

TEAM FANS: Usually not alone.

DANIEL: Yeah, actually Sam thinks I'm trying to take it over.

DANIEL FANS: We find ourselves surprisingly OK with that.

[JACK ASKS ABOUT THROWING HER IN JAIL. DANIEL SAYS SHE WAS GETTING DANGEROUS, THAT THE MILITARY TOOK ALL KINDS OF PRECAUTIONS TO MAKE SURE HE COULDN'T CONTROL EVERYTHING. JACK ASKS ABOUT WHAT'S IN THE ROOM, AND DANIEL SAYS IT'S BASICALLY A BIG-SCREEN TV SO THEY CAN WATCH AND FIX THINGS IF IT GOES WRONG.]

AUDIENCE: But it's just not the big-screen experience without pizza and beer and a game on.

CONTROLLER: Dr. Jackson? The chairman of the Joint Chiefs is on channel 1.

[GENERAL VIDRINE APPEARS ON A MONITOR.]

VIDRINE: Congratulations, Dr. Jackson. We've all worked very hard for this day.

DANIEL: Thank you, and congratulations to you.

[THE LAUNCH PROCEEDS AS EXPECTED AND THE SYSTEM IS QUICKLY DEPLOYED AND FUNCTIONAL.]

F/X DEPARTMENT: All of our hard work, reduced to one sentence? [sobs]

DANIEL: That's it. Pay the winners.

[DANIEL POPS THE CORK ON A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE, WITH THE BOTTLE IN A RATHER... INTERESTING POSITION.]

DANIEL FANS: Thank you, Peter DeLuise! [swoon]

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: [double swoon]

[DANIEL POURS A GLASS. HE OFFERS IT TO JACK, WHO DECLINES.]

DANIEL: You sure? It's two-thousand dollars a bottle.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Only the best when you're trying to seduce someone.

JACK: No, thanks.

DANIEL: Come on, Jack, you're about to become an international hero.

JACK: What do you mean?

DANIEL: Well, now that we have a way of defending ourselves against the Goa'uld, the President is going to make the Stargate's existence public knowledge.

[A CONTROLLER DRAWS DANIEL'S ATTENTION TO THE SCREEN, WHERE A REPORTER IS SAYING THE PRESIDENT HAS POSTPONED HIS PUBLIC ADDRESS, AMID AN INTERNATIONAL CRISIS ABOUT THE LAUNCH OF THE SATELLITES. DANIEL GOES TO THE CONTROL CHAIR, AND VIDRINE APPEARS ON THE BIG SCREEN.]

DANIEL: What's going on?

VIDRINE: The Russians have gone on high alert. The Chinese are following suit. The Russians are repositioning one of their anti-satellite weapons. Looks like they're going to try and take out one of our AG3s.

AUDIENCE: Oh, those whacky Russians! Thinking it's their planet, too!

[VIDRINE SAYS THE RUSSIANS CONSIDER THE SYSTEM TO BE A VIOLATION OF THEIR AGREEMENT AND WILL BE CONSIDERED AN ACT OF AGGRESSION UNLESS IT IS RELINQUISHED IMMEDIATELY. DANIEL SAYS THEY SHOULD SHOW THE RUSSIANS EXACTLY WHAT THEY'RE CAPABLE OF, AND VIDRINE SAYS THE PRESIDENT AGREES.]

CONTROLLER: Receiving authorization to target Russian satellite. We have target lock. System is firing.

RUSSIAN SATELLITE: [boom]

[DANIEL ASKS IF THIS IS LEADING TO A NUCLEAR ATTACK, AND VIDRINE SAYS UNLESS THEY COMPLY WITH RUSSIAN DEMANDS, IT WILL.]

DANIEL: Shouldn't we just nip this in the bud?

VIDRINE: Given our new ability to defend ourselves, we don't see the need to jump the gun. The President is currently rethinking our position on unilateral control of the system.

DANIEL: I see.

[DANIEL PUSHES A BUTTON. HE NOW HAS OVERRIDE CONTROL OF THE DEFENSE SYSTEM.]

DANIEL: As I suspected, the President is obviously failing to overcome a lack of necessary leadership abilities. So I'm going to have to step in and prevent a global nuclear war.

AUDIENCE: [checks year on wayback machine] "Lack of necessary leadership abilities." Art imitates life. Or is it the other way around?

VIDRINE: You're not supposed to be able to do this. You can't do this.

AUDIENCE: How long has _he_ been working... oh, never mind.

DANIEL: I've already done this. This bunker is well protected. Don't even think about sending a cruise missile our way.

AUDIENCE: Because he might send it back, with interest.

[DANIEL TURNS OFF THE SCREEN.]

DANIEL: I don't know about the rest of you, but I've had enough of that guy.

RDA FANS: Maybe there's a rerun of MacGyver on?

BDSMERS: Or maybe video from the playroom?

JACK: Daniel. What are you doing?

DANIEL: Proportional response only makes sense when the playing field is even. We have a distinct advantage here. Problem is the other side just doesn't realize how wide the gap is. What they really need is a visual aid.

CONTROLLER: AG system targeting Moscow.

JACK: Daniel.

DANIEL: Don't worry, there's no threat of residual radiation spreading. It's quick and clean; it's like cutting your enemy's heart out with a scalpel.

[JACK PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS AT DANIEL. A GOA'ULD FORCE FIELD PROTECTS HIM FROM THE BULLETS. DANIEL LOOKS DISAPPOINTED.]

DANIEL: Don't you think it was strange you got through security with a loaded gun?

JACK: A little.

DANIEL: You never were that bright.

JACK: No.

NOT FANS OF DUMB!JACK: [facepalm]

JACK: Daniel, think about one thing before you do this. We never proved that kid was a Harcesis.

DANIEL: What are you talking about?

JACK: Everything he put in your head. The Goa'uld have used mind control before.

DANIEL: You think this is some elaborate Goa'uld plot to get me to destroy the world?

JACK: We've seen them use kids too.

DANIEL: They used Shifu to put a bunch of stuff into my head in order to get me to build the weapons, only to eventually turn them on Earth?

JACK: It's possible.

NOT-FANS OF DUMB!JACK: Whoa, that's almost… bright.

DANIEL: There's only one flaw in that theory. You're assuming this is not what I wanted all along.

JACK: Don't. Don't.

BDSMERS: The safeword, Jack! Use the safeword!

CONTROLLER: System is firing.

MOSCOW: [boom]

AUDIENCE: Dosvidanya!

INT. INFIRMARY

[JACK AND JANET ARE STANDING NEXT TO A BED, WITH DANIEL ITS UNCONSCIOUS OCCUPANT. JANET SAYS THERE'S NOTHING PHYSICALLY WRONG WITH HIM AND HE'S NOT IN A COMA BECAUSE THERE'S RAPID EYE MOVEMENT.]

AUDIENCE: Oh. Right. It's aaaaaaall a dream. [facepalm]

BDSMERS: If it's a dream, can we keep the playroom?

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[TEAL'C, SAM, JACK AND HAMMOND ARE SEATED AROUND THE TABLE. THE TOK'RA ALDWIN IS STANDING.]

ALDWIN: The fact is, he may not be the Harcesis at all.

HAMMOND: Are you saying this could be some sort of Goa'uld trick?

TEAL'C: As we have seen, General Hammond, the Goa'uld are not above using human children as weapons.

FANFIC WRITERS: Speaking of Cassie... well, they're just speaking _about_ her indirectly, but close enough, but one day she and Shifu might make a cute couple.

CASSIE/RYA'C SHIPPERS: Blasphemy!

NOROMOS: Ship: The Next Generation. [sigh]

SAM: Well, all Shifu would say is that he is teaching Daniel.

JACK: So what do we do?

ALDWIN: As you know, the zatarc detector's original purpose was to detect deception. We could at the very least determine whether the boy is actually Harcesis and possibly what he did to Dr. Jackson.

NOROMOS: Oh no, not the damn zatarc thing!

SAM: Basically a lie detector test.

NOROMOS: No, we really don't need to be reminded of this thing. [fingers in ears] La, la, la, we can't hear you.

ALDWIN: No harm would come to him.

JACK: And what, just hope he doesn't explode in the meantime?

ALDWIN: Hope he really is who he says he is.

HAMMOND: And maybe help Dr. Jackson?

DANIEL FANS: We knew we liked you for a reason, Hammond!

HAMMOND FANS: Like you need a reason. Hammond rocks!

INT. LAB

[SAM CAREFULLY STRAPS SHIFU INTO THE DETECTOR CHAIR. TEAL'C IS PRESENT. JACK AND HAMMOND WATCH FROM THE OBSERVATION ROOM.]

SAM: It's just a precaution. I had this done to me once and I had to wear them too.

NOROMOS: And it didn't detect a lie because you really do have an unhealthy crush on your boss.

SHIFU: The mind is always free.

[ALDWIN PREPARES TO PLACE THE MEMORY DISK ON SHIFU'S TEMPLE.]

ALDWIN: This will hurt a little. After that I promise you will feel no pain. I will merely ask you some questions.

SHIFU: Questions are plentiful. Answers are few.

AUDIENCE: Anyone transcribing this stuff for the new line of Stargate fortune cookies?

[ALDWIN ACTIVATES THE MACHINE AND BEGINS ASKING SHIFU QUESTIONS. WHEN ASKED ABOUT DANIEL, HE SAYS DREAMS SOMETIMES TEACH, SO HE IS TEACHING DANIEL.]

SAM: Teaching him what?

SHIFU: That the true nature of a man is determined in the battle between his conscious mind and his subconscious and that the evil in my subconscious is too strong to resist.

[DANIEL ENTERS.]

DANIEL FANS: What, waitaminute! He was in scrubs, now he's fully dressed!

AUDIENCE: Must be a continuity error, because we can't picture him taking time to change if it was something urgent like this.

DANIEL FANS: Who cares about continuity?! We didn't get to see him change clothes!

JANET/DANIEL FANS: But Janet did. [smug]

DANIEL: The only way to win is to deny it battle.

AUDIENCE: Washington doesn't seem to understand that policy.

SHIFU: As Oma teaches.

DANIEL: One of these days, I'm going to figure out she's worth listening to.

AUDIENCE: Only if you want to be Ascended, disagree with the rules, and get tossed out of Ascension Land naked as the day you were born. Twice.

DANIEL FANS: We're OK with this plan. Very OK.

SAM: What happened?

DANIEL: I was having a dream.

SAM: About what?

SNIT: Locking you up like an insane woman! [cackle]

DANIEL: That's not really important.

SNIT: Nice save!

DANIEL: The important thing is it's time I chose a new path.

SHIFU: And it is time for me to continue on mine.

[ALDWIN PROTESTS THAT IF HE'S HARCESIS, THEY COULD STILL EXTRACT VALUABLE INFORMATION FROM HIM. DANIEL SAYS THEY CAN'T.]

ALDWIN: I don't understand.

DANIEL: I know.

DANIEL FANS: Already on the path to Oma-ism, we see.

[SHIFU THANKS DANIEL FOR TELLING HIM ABOUT HIS MOTHER, AND DANIEL SAYS SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY PROUD OF HIM.]

AUDIENCE: Awwwwww!

SHIFU: Of you as well.

DANIEL FANS: [sniff]

DANIEL: Will I see you again?

SHIFU: All roads eventually lead to the great path.

DANIEL: Eventually.

SHIFU: Many cross on the way.

ALDWIN: What's going on? We're not just going to let him leave?

SAM: I don't think we have a choice.

[SHIFU TURNS INTO A GLOWY SQUID THING AND FLOATS OUT OF THE INFIRMARY. DANIEL, SAM AND TEAL'C FOLLOW.]

F/X DEPARTMENT: [whine] Down to one sentence again? You suck. [pout]

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM

[A RED ALERT IS SOUNDING, AND JACK CONTACTS HAMMOND, TELLING HIM TO ORDER EVERYONE TO STAND DOWN AND GET THE HECK OUT OF THE WAY.]

HAMMOND: Are you sure, Colonel?

JACK: The alternative might not be so pretty.

HAMMOND: What am I supposed to say?

AUDIENCE: "A big glowy squid thing is heading to the gateroom. Get the hell out of the way!" might work.

[HAMMOND SPEAKS INTO A MICROPHONE.]

HAMMOND: All personnel, this is General Hammond. A... glowing energy being is headed for Level 28. We believe it is heading for the gateroom. Lower your weapons and do not attempt to intercept it.

AUDIENCE: We're so proud of him! He totally said that with a straight face.

[JACK, SAM, DANIEL AND TEAL'C ENTER THE CONTROL ROOM. THE GATE HAS DIALED AND THE WORMHOLE IS VISIBLE.]

CHEVRON GUY: The Gate just opened, sir.

AUDIENCE: Shifu's got mad gate skillz.

[GLOWING SQUIDBOY SHIFU ENTERS THE GATEROOM, AS SECURITY OFFICERS TRY NOT TO PISS THEMSELVES AS THEY PUT THEIR WEAPONS DOWN. ON THE RAMP, HE DEGLOWS A BIT AND WAVES AT DANIEL. DANIEL WAVES BACK. AUDIENCE GOES AWWWWWWW! SHIFU GOES THROUGH THE GATE. THE GATE SHUTS DOWN. JACK LOOKS AT DANIEL, WHO LOOKS UPSET BUT PEACEFUL.]

JACK FANS: You know Jack's just dying to say, "What the fuck just happened?"

AUDIENCE: So are a lot of us.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: You're misunderstanding. He's just wondering if Daniel's too upset about what happened to fuck when they get home.

FANFIC WRITERS: Or perhaps he's pondering tentacle sex?

NOROMOS: [mugs GUYS WHO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW for their Janitor in a Drum]

CLOSING CREDITS

NEXT TIME OUT, FIRE AND WATER. NO, MAYBE CRYSTAL SKULL. WHATEVER AND WHENEVER THE EVIL BITCH MUSE WANTS.

EVIL BITCH MUSE: I've been seeing other writers. They've got bigger... pencils.

BREADBOX WRITER: You whore!


End file.
